By Ben Maunder
Well, I don’t know if it's the cramped conditions, poor air circulation or the awful food, but once more I’m stepping out of my little Vault office and back into the Wasteland. And whilst I’m not exactly sure if that was the best idea I’ve ever made, let's have a little wander and see what mysteries, wonders and mind-boggling horrors we can find this #FalloutFriday!
One of the first things I notice as I walk the sun-bleached fields of the North Central Commonwealth this new year, is that I’m fairly sure the bugs are getting bigger. We all know the feeling when a fly lands on your food right? Minor irritation, brush the little fella’ off and move on with your day. But what if that fly was the size of a small dog? What if that fly SHOT ITS OWN LARVAE AT YOU! To say nothing of the fact a fair few of the nasty critters fly around like freaky glow-lamps, spitting out radiation like I spit out bad allegories. Frankly, as far as I’m concerned, if a Bloatfly lands on my Molerat Chunks, it can keep them. Biggest fly swatter in the world ain’t changing that opinion. For reasons best known to us, you can find them available now! Ready for painting up in whatever gross configuration you feel best suits the disgusting balls of disease and lost snacks.
So, last time I was allowed out of the Vault, my freakiest thing I saw was a Deathclaw, well and an old mirror, but that's a different story. After cutting around a Super Mutant camp though, I wish I could imagine the worst thing out there was a Deathclaw. The thing I have now learnt is called a Centaur was a horrible, eye-scouring hideous abomination that should never have seen the light of day. (Of course I thank our wonderful 3D team for the sculpt that now haunts my nightmares.) A pulpy mass of nervously twitching flesh, driven by the singular intent to make me lose my dinner, you can now field your very own nightmare fuel with as many Super Mutants as you see fit. I’m sure whoever you fling them at will not thank you in the slightest. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try and wipe them from my memory forever…
Why can nothing up here ever be normal? You see stag prints and you think, “Brilliant! A chance to see a majestic creature in its natural habitat, what a rare treat.” But no, of course not, can’t be that simple can it! Two heads, weird little vestigial legs, an overwhelming desire to poke big pointy antlers through my abdomen. I suppose at the very least, they were the most beautiful thing I’ve seen today, which is always an improvement on a day filled with otherwise terrifying fauna. I’ve heard there are entire Radstag Herds out there, so I encourage you to at least try and find them, it's a nice break from the normal monstrosities and they don’t make half bad eating.
Right, I’m done with the surface and I’m heading home. As much as I’d like to say it's always safer below the surface, I’ve heard that there’s no shortage of horror down there either. I’ve heard of a place aglow with unearthly light, hidden away from the world by a deep underground river where more than a couple have lost their lives. According to rumour, there are corpses that neither belong there, nor anywhere else on God's glowing green earth. Personally, I don’t buy that hokey, there’s enough mutants around to explain any differences to anybody. Monsters, SUper Mutants, I believe that. Aliens in The Deep though? Nonsense. Of course, if you disagree, feel free to print your own extraterrestrial’s at home!
Heading home once again, I’d like to let you know my personal favourite Wasteland horror, well horror may be a touch too far for my dear bovine companions. I am of course talking about Brahmin, those lovable dopey creatures that despite their multitudinous heads continue to endear themselves to me everytime I see them. So, why don’t we have a little look over some of my favourites to wrap up the week?
Now, I’m fully aware that most people use their udderly fantastic friends for trade, carrying all those heavy toys that no-one else can be bothered to, or producing slightly irradiated milk upon the farm, there are a few more than have more military applications in mind. Take MIninoobi’s Battle Brahmin for example, as armed and armored as the next best mercenary out there.
Or if you thought perhaps they were a little underdressed for the stresses of classic Wasteland diplomacy, Wargamesnewsradio’s Brahmin will help remind us that the best answer to most problems are several gatling guns and a whole bunch of spent rounds.
Sometimes though, you want to do all the shooting yourself, and when that MOOd strikes, best to rush off and find the fight as quickly as possible. Now, I rarely recommend a Brahmin as the swiftest mount but LRTableTop’s Super Mutant didn’t seem to get the memo. Not that I’m complaining.
Brahmin steaks, whilst delicious, have a significant downside. Less Brahmin, which is a tragedy we should try to avoid where possible. Thankfully, it seems JaggedBrushStudio has found a way around it by loading the deer chap up with Ramen! Nan-ni shimasho-ka indeed!
Now, last, but certainly not least is my overall favourite. Mostly as I’m intent for her to remain my best friend as every day in the Wasteland increases my chances of needing her help. The glorious, ever-helpful Brahmbulance from Gal0n is always a welcome, if somewhat worrying sight.
Well then, I hope you enjoyed that rundown of the coolest Cows you ever did see, because that’s that for the time being! I’m heading home and pushing my face so close to my terminal screen that the radiation helps me forget the flailing arms, arms and more arms of the Centaurs. At least until next time anyway, who knows what I may see on my screen between now and next time? (Me, I know, but that’s my little secret!)
So until the next time I wander out for another dose of Wasteland weirdness, a big ol’thank you to all our contributors and the team down here in the Modiphius Vault. I’ve been the ever bewildered Ben, and if you have anything you want to share the next time we’re about why don’t you send me a little message at Ben.Maunder@modiphius.com. Please, I’d be welcome to the company!
Stay freaky Wastelanders!